Destructive parents

When I hear about someone who has had a destructive experience, from a mother, or indeed a father, it breaks my heart... I recognise the amount of work it takes to heal yourself, you will very rarely get healing from the parent in question...

For me the answer was support, and so much talking... I felt like I was at the bottom of a well and I couldn't get out, but with every conversation, every bit of processing, I got up another centimetre... It takes years to undo a whole life of damage... It's about building trust with yourself to make good choices, maybe building bridges with the idea of the role of people that the person that wronged you played in your life (ie I didn't trust men, after the damage my dad did), and once you do a great deal of work on yourself, it's about welcoming love into your life... Welcoming friends and family who can contribute to what is missing, filling gaps with positive people...

Personally trusting that any man could be a good father was my biggest one... Trusting that a man could play a father like role in my life and not mess it up, trusting that I could pick someone who wouldn't mess up my kids lives, there was a lot to consider... But I did the work, made peace, gained trust and have been blessed with an abundance of good men...

Ugly duckling

Man, I have never fit in, I always made my own groups, in pre made groups I felt like I had to clip my wings to fit... I agree with this point that we should be kind to other groups of people, but we shouldn't have to try hard to fit in...

I remember the sheer dread of having to meet new people at kinder and then school... I know I look different, my ideas are very left, I get excited and shy and then get awkward... So I would cover up my tattoos and put on my generic cloak to not be seen, I didn't mind if I didn't fit in, but I didn't want it to affect how people treated my kids... And much to my surprise, at both kinder and school, I have been welcomed, no not everyone is my best friend, but there are smiles, so many smiles... Being different doesn't have to be isolating, and I didn't have to try so hard to blend, as it turns out, I found some amazing humans at both places and it's been great!

Women Who Run With The Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Human Experience

Human experiences... This freak shake from the Hello Kitty diner is a delightful human experience...

And this cold I have had these past few days is a crappy one... No one likes to be sick... I feel like lately everything has been coming together spiritually... I did an amazing reiki healing that really validated reiki as a life choice for me... A lovely energy cleansing on a business, things have been going swimmingly, like I have been riding a wave, and this cold has really brought me crashing down into my human self...

Looking forward to getting back to good health, reading my books, meditating, yoga, healing... I feel quite useless without energy or a pulsating connection to my higher self...

Poor choices

To all my sisters out there making the same choices over and over with the same wretched results, this one goes out to you...

It is soooooo hard to be honest with yourself about things that need to be fixed, it's always easier to blame other people... But we have the keys to giving ourselves absolute joy, if we do the work... Breaking patterns is hard work... So hard that often we need a professional to help us, or a really honest, upfront yet nurturing person to go on that journey with you...

So many women out there choose men that don't deserve them... Whether it's being insecure, feeling like better to be with anyone than to face the world alone, needing validation through partnership, whatever it is, there are roots to what becomes poor choices, and the roots are what needs to be pulled out, not just what they grow into...

One thing I promise you, we can all have a life that makes us happy, it's a choice, commit to it... We don't ever have to be in an unhappy relationship... No one has the right to hurt us, try and make us feel bad about ourselves, or try to break our spirit... Remind yourself of this! You have a right to happiness!

Women Who Run With The Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Many mothers

This idea of having many mothers is just so beautiful...

One of my favourite things when I was young was Mother's Day, we would have a big celebration with all of the women in our family, my mum, her sisters, my great aunts, my cousins and second cousins, and my nanna was there in spirit too... It was so wonderful to have all of the stories of our family there on one space, there were always stories, advice, and amazing food! Whenever it was Mother's Day, there was always a sense of excitement to connect to our family history, but also to the women, women who had so much knowledge, and shared it... Truly special...

Now it isn't that, for me, for the past 8 years it has been the Mother's Day classic, and this year I am going out with my little family for lunch... But I want that for my kids, I want them to gain knowledge from the women of my family, I want us all to sit around the table and tell stories, pass down what we have learned...

We can have this without a blood family, when I sit around with my girlfriends, I do hope that one day we will have a table we can share with our children to afford them knowledge and feel a part of something special that spans years... I want my kids that there are other women who they can draw from, that they can trust if they feel that they can't come to me or my husband first...

Women Who Run With The Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Mothering community

This is a lot, buy this book! Seriously, so much goodness in here...

The sense of community is so dissolved at this point, I almost feel like Google has become the Goddess Mother... We need help, we Google, we want to learn more about something, we Google, it's less and less that women turn to each other and offer each other what they have learned, and it's a shame... It feels like now, if things aren't perfect, or great, you aren't going to hear about it...

What I LOVE about a group of mothers who are open minded and open hearted, is you always come away with some gold... Whether it's something you can hold on to for later in your journey, or something you know some other mum you know would gain from knowing...

I tried so hard to keep our mothers group going, not because we all had anything much in common, but the sharing and the sense of community... I had no idea that kinder and school would continue to provide me with beautiful women who I connect with on a parent level, but also other levels too... I definitely still recommend mothers group or play group, but don't be disheartened if it doesn't work out, there are other opportunities to meet like minded people, who become your community...

There is also Twitter, facebook groups, and I'm sure other people out there in different social media that you might give a go... It's funny the places you can get that support from... But try, somewhere out there there are your people! You just have to find them...

Motherhood

Reading this passage about the ugly duckling, with lots of reflections on motherhood and being different, I am having visions of all of the people I know, personally and clients, who struggle with motherhood... It is undoubtedly THE hardest job in the world, and without knowing yourself I can imagine it is infinitely harder...

I find it incredibly hard to stay silent when I see parents who are still seeking their own childhoods having babies, knowing from my own experience the amount of sacrifice and selflessness it takes to raise children... I just wish I could do some really intense work with them to get them ready, though usually there is a very relaxed attitude about it, until they have to start giving things up... Even just sleep, or time...

For the other circumstances mentioned, I think in terms of community, if you are feeling vulnerable as a mum, reach out! You would be surprised the lengths people will go to to throw you a float if you let them know you are drowning... Whether that's helping with the children, or chatting, venting, releasing or going deep into the crux of your feelings...

As a community, whether we have children or not, giving mothers a place to release, offering whatever help you can, is the best thing ever... If you don't know what to offer, give some options
'I'm happy to watch your kids while you rest, to go to the park with you all, to take you out while your partner (or whoever) looks after the kids?'
Relief comes in many forms... With more support less Mums would struggle through the times they find the hardest...

Women Who Run With The Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estes