Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Self love

Self love...
I'm pretty sure that at its core, this is a thing for just about everyone...
When I was 18, my Dad killed himself... We had plans to meet up a couple of days later, he literally couldn't bare to see me... I met his counsellor and he told me that Dad felt he couldn't be the father I needed him to be... As an 18yo, I took this to mean that I was so unlovable that my own Dad would prefer to be dead, than to share love with me... There was a lot of sadness, grief, anger (at everyone), but what stayed with me the longest was the idea that I wasn't loveable, I wasn't worthy, it became a part of my narrative, dating people who weren't right for me, people who (like Dad) preferred drugs to me, alcoholics, so many different men who confirmed that I was in fact completely unlovable and unimportant...
All of this time I was working on it, mostly with my best friend, best therapist I ever had! But it was long, and took much more than just time to learn to love myself, to really believe that I was a good human, and to let a partner in, that was as worthy of me as I was of him... But we are talking 7 years before that happened, and there were some amazing highs in that time, but only in the safety of a very small group of people I allowed in, retrospectively it is all very clear, but at the time it just felt like I was treading water, trying not to drown...
A further ten years to that, I can see that it was definitely worth the work, it could have gone either way for me, I walked some fine lines over incredible heights, but I made it... Complete with self love...
I don't know whether I want to ask questions of you, to see where your journey to self love started, or is up to, but always feel free to share...

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